Michael Northrop

The 2010 Winter Olympics are on the horizon. Much better than the fierce competition in, like, the Nordic Combined event is the fact that the networks will once again dig up “Gold” by Spandeau Ballet. I mean, yes, it’s a little cheesetastic, but whatever: It’s made of awesome, and this guy is all in on the delivery.

Two facts about Spandeau Ballet: 1) Tony Hadley is one dapper dude. 2) The name almost certainly comes from a slang term for a popular form of suicide at Germany’s Spandeau Prison (i.e. hanging). [3) They just reformed—who's coming with me to the New York show?!]

Rocking the sports jacket? “True”!

Anyway, OK, calming down now. Just remember: “You’re indestructi-bowl!” Or, if you’re a member of the U.S. team in Vancouver, just remember the chorus.

Do you think Rutger Hauer was watching as the women’s field hockey team from the Netherlands beat China, 2–0, in the gold medal game? I think he was.

As you can see, they are a very, ahem, talented team. Let me just put this plainly: They look like the cast of House Bunny. They also coasted through the Olympics without losing a match. (I’m trying to think of some more colorful way to say that. Maybe, ‘I haven’t seen that kind of Dutch mastery since Van Gogh’?)

If I may put aside the crass objectification and bad puns for a moment, I would like to say that I am really enjoying the random Olympic sports. Team handball, modern pentathlon, synchronized diving, that kind of stuff. It amazes me not only what the human body can achieve (for example, a seemingly casual sub-10-second 100-meter run or a twisting backflip on a four-inch beam) but what the human mind chooses to achieve (for example, well, synchronized diving).

OK, I know I had like 11 things in the first installment of this feature, but I really think this one deserves a post of its own. It’s about show jumping, the second-finest of the equestrian events. The best one is eventing (unless you count modern pentathlon; nothing beats that). But I digress. Look at this picture for a moment:

Notice anything? How about this one?

That’s right: The horses wear little hats! Soooo cool. And stylish. I have no idea what they’re for, but I hear that some of the younger horses wear them backwards.

You are now allowed to play the ball with your feet in volleyball. I am assuming that rule was made by Europeans.

The world as I knew it is over: The Romanians now suck at gymnastics.

China should stop imprisoning writers. I actually knew that going in, but I think about it sometimes between serves.

“Bar-worker” is also a gymnastics term.

Sabre is considered the “punk rock of fencing.” What’s foil, disco?

A lot of Olympians work at Home Depot. If I had a house, I would shop there.

The “Team USA Soundtrack of the Games Presented by AT&T” consists of lame music.

Beer is full of Olympic spirit.

The French should not talk trash.

Michael Phelps is at least half submarine.

Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson are both all that, but one of them is also a bag of chips. I’m not sure which one yet. Can one team have two bags of chips?