Michael Northrop

This is a CONTROVERSIAL ASSERTION, but I’ve heard it before so I’m really just seconding it, and that’s easy, like throwing the second stone. By writing down, thinking about, and sometimes ham-fistedly sketching my dreams, I feel like I have gained more control over them. It’s not INCEPTION-LEVEL (yet), but I’ll let you know if ELLEN PAGE shows up IN A SAILOR SUIT. (Maybe I should rephrase that…)

For example, I drifted back to sleep early this morning and immediately found myself WALKING DOWN A DESERTED STREET at night. The road was on my right and there was a fenced in, possibly abandoned apartment building on my left. I was impaired in some way, sick or drunk and stumbling a little. Then A BIG, BLACK CAR pulled up in front of me. Its headlights were off, but I could see the vague outline of a man in the driver’s seat.

This is the exact type of car, a Buick Grand National! I found
it by image searching “ominous black car.”

I tried to wave the driver away, but I was aware that, stumbling and flailing as I was, it might look like I was asking for help. The whole thing reminded me a bit of “the Heartman” story in Kurtis Scaletta’s excellent new middle-grade book, Mamba Point. In any case, the car just sat there waiting, like an enormous, idling spider. And then I woke up. I CONTEND that this was not a coincidence, that I WOKE MYSELF UP. I just had a bad feeling about that car and used my MENTAL DREAM POWERS to decline a test-drive (IN THE TRUNK).

You don’t have to believe me, of course. In fact, you should feel free to argue about the implausibility of it all—if you want to get on the wrong side of a FUTURE GOVERNMENT DREAM AGENT.

The last time we discussed how to pick up a black mamba, the answer was pretty straightforward: “Very carefully.” This time, it’s a bit more complicated, because we are talking about Kurtis Scaletta’s new middle-grade novel Mamba Point. Begin by heading to your local bookstore. Peruse the shelves for this sleek creature. A fully grown specimen will look something like this:

If you don’t see it—and let’s be honest, many bookstores may be frightened by its razor sharp plot points—simply walk up to the counter. Once there, establish firm eye contact with the employee (they are notoriously skittish). Then repeat this phrase: “I would like to order a copy of Mamba Point, like the snake.” As you say this, make a dramatic two-handed snake fang sign:

The timing should be approximately as follows: [Hands at sides, seemingly relaxed] “I would like to order a copy of Mamba Point, like”—[begin strike!]—”the snake [finish strike, fingers pointing down at the floor, fangishly; these are your mamba points].”

A good strike will be almost too fast for the eye to follow!

The employee may jump back or just look at you quizzically. Feel free to adopt a cool, snake-face expression for emphasis.

Finally, drop your hands down to your side and leave your phone number or email address. As you turn to leave, nod at the helpful, possibly terrified employee, and say the following: “Fangs a lot!” Wait approximately 1 to 3 days for the book to arrive.