Michael Northrop

I am fascinated by the search terms that lead people to my site. This morning, amongst “freggles,” “fraggles,” “Ashley Bouder,” and “Phoenix sports disaster,” I found this: “giant anaconda claims.” Hahaha, I thought. What does the giant anaconda claim? Here are my 10 best guesses:

Giant anaconda claims he was only “hugging” that kid, because he “loves him so much.”

Giant anaconda claims 412 tiny tax exemptions.

Giant anaconda claims that’s a loaf of bread in his stomach; a poodle-shaped loaf of bread.

Giant anaconda claims he’s not really giant, just big-boned.

Giant anaconda claims you can trust him. Seriously, just relax, bro.

Giant anaconda claims not to like the double-kiss and prefers to hug people hello, goodbye, and to death.

Giant anaconda claims he doesn’t even know this guy.

Giant anaconda claims he saw that capybara first.

Giant anaconda claims that Jennifer Lopez is “really nice” off-camera, a “total professional.”

Giant anaconda claims that Eric Stoltz, on the other hand, is a total dick.

Giant anaconda claims he’s ready for another sequel. ANACONDA IV, he says. Let’s do this!